How Childhood Abandonment Shaped Me As a Woman

To be quite honest, most of my childhood is a blur. From my deeper understanding and healing, I now know that it was a coping mechanism that I developed. I spent most of my young adult life reliving the traumas of my childhood without even recognizing what I was doing.

During my healing, I was hit pretty hard with the realization that my pain was deeply connected to abandonment and lack of love as a youngin’. I first want to state, this story is not to evoke feelings of sorrow or empathy, but instead to share with you the journey through abandonment pain to deep self-love (with the intention that anyone feeling this struggle will also see that there is a way through).

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I have one pretty distinct memory waiting at the window for my Dad to come and pick me up from the sitter. In a puddle of tears, he never showed.

When I was 8 months old my parent separated. This also entailed the separation of my brother and I (he was 3 at the time). We were on an every other week visitation basis. I have one pretty distinct memory waiting at the window for my Dad to come and pick me up from the sitter. In a puddle of tears, he never showed. Apparently, this was a recurring thing...I blocked out most of it though. My Dad struggled with alcohol and was honestly just a child himself (I've since forgiven him btw).

When I was roughly 6 years old my Mom moved us to Florida. Being in her 20’s, she was basically still a kid herself too. She had her own personal struggles with abandonment and the lack of love she received as a child was evident in my upbringing (I've since forgiven her and have a wonderful relationship with her now...thank you, healing).

I would visit my Dad and my brother during the summer or winter break (sometimes both). The visitation was pretty stressful for me. I was that 6-year-old kid alone on the plane, crying into her teddy bear, and being consoled by a random stranger. I had no idea at the time, but this would profoundly shape me as a person and a woman.

My Dad was very absent and I quickly learned that men were unpredictable (due to his alcoholism) and emotionally unavailable (insert limiting belief into subconscious mind here).

I developed a deep distrust of people in general. I pretty consistently questioned my safety and worth, seeing the world around me as some sort of personal attack.

When I was in pain, I remember holding my breath. It was the only thing I could control.

As I entered youth, I looked for love in any boy or man (mostly 10 years older than me) I could find. I was so hungry to be validated and reassured that I compromised everything sacred in me.

This pattern only added more salt to the wound. They would always leave or I would leave (for another man)…validating that I would always be abandoned because I wasn’t deserving of love. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. No one was making it over the 12-foot walls I built around my heart.

I ran away from every little bit of intimacy for fear of being hurt. All the while craving connection and deep love so much.

I met a man at 23 who I ended up marrying. We dated for a month, got engaged, and married 11 months later. He seemed promising. Made good money, smart, funny…everything you’re supposed to want, right?

I met a man at 23 who I ended up marrying. We dated for a month, got engaged, and married 11 months later.
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Wrong. He also struggled with alcoholism and real intimacy (now that I understand the Law of Attraction, this makes perfect sense). I pretty quickly realized that I was reliving my childhood, in yet another emotionally unavailable man. After my divorce, I was shattered, ashamed, and begging for hope.

The hope came…but not in the package I was wishing for.

I got into another relationship, this time with an abusive alcoholic. He rocked me to the core and was the final straw for my heart.

Looking back on this situation, I honestly can’t believe I am where I am today. There were days, weeks, months where I thought I couldn’t go on. I hated myself. I was so ashamed of the things that happened. That I ALLOWED to happen. All I saw was darkness surrounded by more darkness. I guess you can say it was the dark night of the soul for me.

Then it happened. One day I decided there had to be a way to heal this pain. I spent hours Googling, YouTubing, reading, meditating, crying, doing the inner-child work, getting to the core of the pain and feeling it. Really feeling it.

I grieved my childhood. I grieved the pain of not having what every little girl deserves. Love.

I decided to deeply understand. To forgive. To heal. And to learn what it meant to love myself.

I can now say that I’m truly grateful for the story I lived because it made me the woman I am. I have a solid understanding of WHY my soul needed that struggle. I could not be the coach I am today if I didn’t have the experiences I have had. I would never have acquired the power tools for healing if I didn’t go through the darkness.

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I can now say that I’m truly grateful for the story I lived because it made me the woman I am. I have a solid understanding of WHY my soul needed that struggle.

If anything, I am proof that there can be so much beauty in pain. If you're willing to do the work...

Can you relate to my story? Leave me a comment or tag me on Instagram @lifebylindsayrose so I know that this resonates with you.

Sending you massive love + light,

Lindsay